Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
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