Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
Randomize
