maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
