saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
Randomize
