You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Randomize
