I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
Randomize
