Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
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