will power is for people who don't want to get laid
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
Randomize
