he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
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