woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
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