I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
I think my ph in my vagina is actually off from the lack of sex I've had this break compared to finals week.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
We are all done wearing pants today
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
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