Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
