took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
only if we run a train.
done.
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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