also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
she has double-d's AND she knows what level Pidgeot evolves. don't tell me she's not a keeper
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
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