I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
too bad you live with your parents still
yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
Randomize
