I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
