meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
Randomize
