omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
A+ Viking dick
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
