went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
