Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
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