i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
