I showed him my bush... on skype.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
Randomize
