bahahahaha i would laugh soo hard if someone did this for me hahahaha this guy would become my best friend
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
