Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
