He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Randomize
