So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
I enjoy the company of your penis
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
Randomize
