Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
Randomize
