it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize
