My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
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