I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Randomize
