the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
Randomize
