epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
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