The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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