i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Randomize
