In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
I don't apprectiate you insinuating that my breasts have a sort of bremuda triangle effect
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Randomize
