I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
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