I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
Randomize
