No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Randomize
