never play flip cup with pint glasses
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
did i just pee glitter
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
