i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
i want to swaddle you in tequila
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
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