Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
There are lots of gay asians. This is better than i was expecting
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
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