Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
I think I won the penis lottery.
I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
Randomize
