and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
Randomize
