Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
kristin has been a bad kristin
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
