So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
Randomize
