Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Randomize
