i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
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