When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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