My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
