Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
no you cant smoke seaweed
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
Randomize
